whoami

Something happens and you make up your mind that you will not do that again. A bit of you changes. Something happens in the life of someone close to you, you learn from that and make up your mind about not being a certain way. Someone cheats you and you make up your mind not trust anyone easily again. Someone blames you or finds fault in everything you do, you make up your mind to give so much to the things that you do that nobody ever gets a chance to blame you again. Every thing that happens, changes something within you. What I am saying is that what we are, is may be because of whatever has happened in our life.

People who don’t know me think I am a strong person, who knows what she does and won’t break down easily. Speaks to the point and what is required. People who do know me, know that I am an extremely emotional person and the slightest of words or things hurt me and make me cry. If you’ve seen me cry, then maybe you are one of the persons close to me. I am very hot headed and when upset or angry can’t think clearly. So I either start crying or arguing (Well, the end result of arguing also ends up with me crying).

I worry a lot. About the most frivolous things too. I think about all the possible negative scenarios. 😦 I came to be this way because back in my childhood days, I observed that when I was positive and hopeful about something, it never happened. This slowly made me think negatively and then when I got what I wanted I would be so happy. This made me think that I would jinx things, if I thought it would go great. I say touchwood for a million things!

But this emotional nature is affecting my work life. The slightest of issues cropping up in the things that I worked hard on makes me worry and bother. The manager is a total pain who doesn’t understand, so communication is a big issue. A lot of work seems to go unappreciated. Slightest of rude words or taunts or jokes from friends or colleagues, hurt me and makes me wanna cry.

A close friend fought with me for this nature of mine and told that this is not how I should work. I should not limit myself. I gotta stop thinking that things won’t work, that I will get blamed and everything will get messed up, what will people think etc. I was told by the friend, outright in the face that I should be able to accept criticism and that it doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is right. I gotta to stick to facts and need not worry about others as long as I know that I am right. No matter how many arguments we had, it ends up with me wanting to cry. I am finding it hard to even to imagine trying to change myself now. It seems like an impossible thing. What do you have to say? How easy would it be for you?

Get a feeling of having lost myself, somewhere. Can only think of the following lines, which seem so apt –

Ae waqt ruk ja, tham ja teher ja, wapas zara daud peeche.
Main chhod aayi khud ko jahan pe, woh reh gaya mod peeche….

P.S: ‘whoami’ is a command in Unix which identifies the logged in user. 😉 Yeah I know, I’m a gone case!! 🙂

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2 Comments

Filed under friends, justMe

2 responses to “whoami

  1. Mi

    I started reading from PS..then the song…and then the post!! 😀
    it all made so much sense!! 🙂
    In sync with the ‘touchwood’ thing! 😀

    Nice post!

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