Category Archives: dilemma


I remember the school days when I loved being the teacher’s favorite. Getting praised by them would make me so happy and would make me strive harder. Though I was never the kind who could sit in one place and study continuously even during exams, I managed to study and top the class many a times. The competition amongst classmates made me crazy. I have a habit of saying a small prayer with a few shlokas before going to bed every night. The prayer has modified over the years. I remember that when going school I used to pray every night, saying that I have to score more than Mohan, Asiya, Mamatha, Asif etc. so on… I used to take everyone’s name who I thought was a competition to me! That motivated me like crazy.

Would there be extra curricular competition, I would be keen on participating and winning. I wanted to do it all. Be the best. Had that driving spirit in me. Since me and my sister studied in the same school, the teachers who taught her, taught me too. They would recognize me saying “You are A’s sister right?“. She was a consistent topper throughout the school and college career. That set expectations from me and that motivated me to strive hard. To try and be as good as her.

As I grew and my scores declined in college. Though I wanted to do well the bar of the achievable target was lowered. There were disappointing times which pulled me down lower. This in no way helped me and gone were the days when I rocked. I got used to being mediocre.

Right now I’m here. Been working for two to three odd years but don’t feel too great about myself. I am doing nothing to upgrade my skills or be the best. All around I see people learning new stuff, getting better jobs, reaching better positions and making more money. Many of the guys I knew in school/college who used to never study or qualify in the exams are doing great in big companies today. In much better positions than me today. I feel that’s one of the best qualities amongst most guys, they study not to pass exams. They study and understand to gain knowledge. Most girls on the other hand are book-worms and study to get marks.

I have great guy friends at office, very knowledgeable. I totally admire them for their intellect and IQ. I like hanging out with them more than most girls at office because they discuss a lot of knowledgeable stuff compared to the gals who are busy gossiping. But one thing that’s eating me up is that nothing is motivating me. I am not striving to do anything different or learn things I ought to. I know I have to but I am just not able to. I start, I give up. Nothing drives me.

Heard from a friend that most of us in this age group would be going through this sort of a situation. It’s called the quarter-life crisis. The symptoms are you start feeling “you are not good enough, you aren’t doing anything great, you just don’t know where you’re headed to, everyone’s doing better than me”. Questions that bother you would me “What am I doing? Where am I going? What’s my future gonna be like? Am I in the right job?”. What we both couldn’t figure out is how do we get out of it!!??

Tell me if you’ve been through such times and what did you do that made a difference? One question that I am going around asking is “What motivates you?“. Same question thrown at you.

P.S: I just noticed that I wrote an entire post without smileys! I must be growing up! 🙂

P.P.S: Just ruined it! 😛


Filed under dilemma, justMe, progress, random, School


…is defined by Wikipedia as a very strong feeling for a person or thing… Well… I am talking about the thing not the person.. 😛

What’s your passion in life? What’s that one thing which interests you? What is it that you wanna do or be in life? I really admire people who actually identify this and achieve it. The people who are happy in the work they do. It’s not stressful but enjoyable to them. Majority of us get caught in the rat race from the start. From having to score the highest in class during schooling to bagging a job which offers a high pay. How many of us spend time on evaluating our strengths and deciding the right career path? How many parents today identify the child’s skill and encourage it.

Finally when we do end up in a well paid but regular job, we get caught in the routine and the frustration gets to us. I am probably in that phase. I do like programming and logical challenges. But now I am constantly bothered by the question, is this what I would want to do all my life? To top it, I’m just a couple of years into my career. Is this just a passing phase? Does everyone go through it? Even if it is, what bothers me is that I’ll just settle for it and keep compromising all my life just like how it is with another umpteen things in life.

How do I identify what’ll make me happy? Professions like Architecture, Writing, Editing, Journalism etc always interested me. Sadly I never had the courage to think on it and pursue any of it. Its not just me, I hear it from a lot of my friends too. One of them has a passion for dancing, she even wants to quit and start teaching dance. She’s just worried if what she’s thinking is right and is unable to decide on it. Most of the people whom I talk to are unhappy in their jobs. There are all kinds… One having a bad boss, one wanting to do further studies but bothered about the fee, one wanting to get married and one who wants to get a job, post marriage.

I guess I cannot change my profession now. Instead what I am trying to do is spending time on other things which will give me a break from the routine. Cooking, reading, crocheting, are some of them. Few other things which have been on my wish list for long are, to learn to drive a car, gardening, to join singing classes again.

Kudos to people who are happy and enjoy what they do. For the ones who are yet to start, I would like to say take up something you are passionate about. For the rest, the ones like me – it’s never too late they say. What say? We do something about it??

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Filed under dilemma, office, random, wishes

>Nothing but change is constant…

>Far too many things changed in the last few months. It takes time for me to make friends… I was lucky to get a good bunch of friends at office. But with all of them getting transferred one after the other, there’s hardly anyone left. When this was happening, I happened to mention to my roommate that the only thing left is for my roommates to get transferred and I will be left alone :(. Behold!! The following week my roomie tells me she’s getting transferred too… 😦

Home sickness is another thing that I’m dealing with. I start feeling dull if it’s nearly two weeks since I’ve gone home. Off late the longing to visit home had increased.. To play with the little one, to listen to his sounds and just to watch him sleep. The little one is going his house today :(. Now it’ll have to be a few hours visit to their place to have a look at him.. How I wish he could stay with us always…

To add to this, after putting in nearly five months of efforts in the current project at office, just when we were getting the feeling of having become a part of the project, just when we started learning a few things about the product, we were told that they are moving out the freshers to other projects, due to some issues. After having worked for more than a year in b’lore I had to join as a fresher at the current workplace.. Now this change is happening here. What do I do??

Feeling low and helpless.. 😦


Filed under cloudy, dilemma

>Saying NO!!

>Ever come across a situation where you have to say No to someone for something that you can do?? I’m sure you have.. What I wanna know is how simple or difficult should it be??

I for one find it really difficult to tell No to people in certain situations, even if the person is a complete stranger. I have had many people telling me, “How difficult is it? You don’t even know the person“. Sounds simple, but I find it difficult. Well if I do manage to say No, I keep feeling guilty and keep bothering about it, like how I am now. The reason for the post – an incident that happened in the bus today.

Before I write about today’s incident, let me write about a couple of incidents more, that have happened, not very long back.

Incident 1: I have this tendency of giving money to people who come begging, for I feel bad for them. After advice from many people I have now improved and stop myself from giving money to the beggars who look young/healthy. One evening on the way home, I was waiting for my turn at the usual grocery store, when a pretty healthy looking beggar turned up. Nobody present there responded to him. I was lost in thought whether or not to give him money as he had a bandage wrapped around his elbow. Seeing that nobody responded, he approached the shopkeeper, who said that he won’t get anything for free!! The beggar took 3 Rs and handed it to the shopkeeper. I was feeling sad for him that he has so little to spend for something to eat. Before I could do anything, the beggar says “One Charms!!“. Can you believe that? :O He bought a cigarette.x-( The incident irritated and upset me so much. Is this what happens generally??

Incident 2: I along with a few friends were at the railway station waiting for the train. A beggar turns up. My friends say No, so I say No too. Within a few minutes a lady approaches me with an open palm. I say No again. As she walked away, I noticed that she had a huge bag on her head. She appeared to be clad in neat saree as well. She went and stood at a distance. As I wondered… the realization struck me that she with her open palm was pointing at the bottle of water I was holding. She was asking for water!! God!! How ashamed I felt at that moment. 😦 I then went to her, told her that I misunderstood her, apologized and gave her the bottle of water. She smiled and thanked me. 🙂

Incident 3: This is what happened today. The lady in the seat next to me, a villager, asked me what the time was. Though I can now have minimal conversation in Tamil, I don’t know how they tell the time in Tamil. So I responded saying “Tamil teriyaadu” ( I don’t know Tamil ) and asked the girl standing beside to tell the lady its 7.30. Immediately after this the lady asks me questions like, where am I going to get down? If I have a mobile phone? She said that she has to call her son and asked me to do so from my mobile. When I said No, she asked that was it because I didn’t have balance in my phone? I didn’t know what to say, I was wondering whether or not I should make a call for her sake… Thinking that my number would unnecessarily go to unknown people, I decided against it. Thankfully since I had told her that I don’t know the language all I had to do was stay silent. She stopped talking to me herself.

I have been feeling guilty since then and wondering whether I did the right thing?? How do I know if I am in a situation like Incident 1 or 2? How do I decide when to tell No to people? How do you people do it? Let me know…


Filed under Chennai, dilemma, justMe