Conversations and me

Guess it’s time I improved my conversational skills. It takes me a really long time to get going. Writing my thoughts here, I feel, is far simpler for me. But off late I have had problems with that too. Previously, if I thought about writing something, thoughts would flow easily.  There were times when at the end of publishing a post, I would realize I left out writing some more things. I wish speaking was that easy.

I figure out that making a conversation is difficult for me as I would have already had that conversation a million times in my head. By the time I actually get to speaking, I would be all exhausted  by the overworking mind! Starting a conversation is one of the most difficult things for me. If it’s another person doing it and the topic is of my interest, then my words start flowing. If it is a friend whom I am talking to and they speak of their concerns or problems or happiness, I always listen. I end up generally listening and not sharing my stuff. If it’s some conversation which doesn’t interest me, I choose to ignore it and swim deeply in my thoughts, adding a hmm, oh!, ok…, is it? and so on.. 😀 It helps, if we are in a group or on on phone, then I need not even keep looking at the person. 😛

Nowadays I have lost the enthu to talk and to write. A couple of unfinished posts lying in my drafts. Some how the continuity breaks and then I don’t feel like getting back to it. I was the sort of a person who used to argue a lot, if it was something that I don’t believe in or agree to. Nowadays there’s no zeal for that either. I start feeling there’s no point arguing and give it up, just become silent. I don’t feel like calling up friends and long conversations on the phone tire me and make me irritable. Sometimes feel, days without a cell phone were a bliss!

I am not sure, how long this phase is going to last. Not even sure, if it’s just a phase. 😐

So, what have you been upto? Care to give me any tips?

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L-a-z-y

Lazy.. Pure lazy.. That’s what I’ve been. Procrastinating everything.. The very little work at office has made me more sluggish. 😐 So much so that I’ve been postponing everything, studying for job interviews, the knitting/crocheting for the Ravelry group, the reading.. everything. What I’ve been doing is watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S, like there’s no tomorrow.. 😀

P.S: I’ve been telling myself I’ll be back on track, once I finish all the seasons (Again!). Luckily I’m already on the 10th. 🙂

I wish I was a guy…

… for the thrill of riding a bike.

… so that I could pull off playing Counter Strike all night and clearing the exam next day.

… so that I don’t get a call when the time exceeds 7.30, every time I’m out with friends.

… so that I can just go out for a ride/walk, not bothering about the time, when I’m mad at someone.

… so that I don’t have random stranger guys staring at me, with it making no difference to them, that I know.

… for being able to sit, with no thoughts running in my head.

… so that my biggest worry is not my tomorrow, but the result of the cricket match final tonight.

… so that I can go trekking and road trips at any time of the year.

… for not being bothered about my overgrown brows or the hair on my hand.

… so that I don’t have to leave my mom and go away, just because I got married.

… so that I am not judged for wearing western clothes and not knowing cooking.

… for having a night out at my friend’s place and not being questioned for it.

… so that I am not subjected to eve-teasing.

… so that my parents don’t have to pay dowry or arrange a big fat wedding for me.

… so that I don’t handle gadgets like puppies.

… so that I can sleep till late on a weekend. 🙂

P.S: I know, the grass on the other side is always greener. 🙂 No offense meant to anyone.

Protected: An ugly day!

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Motivation

I remember the school days when I loved being the teacher’s favorite. Getting praised by them would make me so happy and would make me strive harder. Though I was never the kind who could sit in one place and study continuously even during exams, I managed to study and top the class many a times. The competition amongst classmates made me crazy. I have a habit of saying a small prayer with a few shlokas before going to bed every night. The prayer has modified over the years. I remember that when going school I used to pray every night, saying that I have to score more than Mohan, Asiya, Mamatha, Asif etc. so on… I used to take everyone’s name who I thought was a competition to me! That motivated me like crazy.

Would there be extra curricular competition, I would be keen on participating and winning. I wanted to do it all. Be the best. Had that driving spirit in me. Since me and my sister studied in the same school, the teachers who taught her, taught me too. They would recognize me saying “You are A’s sister right?“. She was a consistent topper throughout the school and college career. That set expectations from me and that motivated me to strive hard. To try and be as good as her.

As I grew and my scores declined in college. Though I wanted to do well the bar of the achievable target was lowered. There were disappointing times which pulled me down lower. This in no way helped me and gone were the days when I rocked. I got used to being mediocre.

Right now I’m here. Been working for two to three odd years but don’t feel too great about myself. I am doing nothing to upgrade my skills or be the best. All around I see people learning new stuff, getting better jobs, reaching better positions and making more money. Many of the guys I knew in school/college who used to never study or qualify in the exams are doing great in big companies today. In much better positions than me today. I feel that’s one of the best qualities amongst most guys, they study not to pass exams. They study and understand to gain knowledge. Most girls on the other hand are book-worms and study to get marks.

I have great guy friends at office, very knowledgeable. I totally admire them for their intellect and IQ. I like hanging out with them more than most girls at office because they discuss a lot of knowledgeable stuff compared to the gals who are busy gossiping. But one thing that’s eating me up is that nothing is motivating me. I am not striving to do anything different or learn things I ought to. I know I have to but I am just not able to. I start, I give up. Nothing drives me.

Heard from a friend that most of us in this age group would be going through this sort of a situation. It’s called the quarter-life crisis. The symptoms are you start feeling “you are not good enough, you aren’t doing anything great, you just don’t know where you’re headed to, everyone’s doing better than me”. Questions that bother you would me “What am I doing? Where am I going? What’s my future gonna be like? Am I in the right job?”. What we both couldn’t figure out is how do we get out of it!!??

Tell me if you’ve been through such times and what did you do that made a difference? One question that I am going around asking is “What motivates you?“. Same question thrown at you.

P.S: I just noticed that I wrote an entire post without smileys! I must be growing up! 🙂

P.P.S: Just ruined it! 😛

whoami

Something happens and you make up your mind that you will not do that again. A bit of you changes. Something happens in the life of someone close to you, you learn from that and make up your mind about not being a certain way. Someone cheats you and you make up your mind not trust anyone easily again. Someone blames you or finds fault in everything you do, you make up your mind to give so much to the things that you do that nobody ever gets a chance to blame you again. Every thing that happens, changes something within you. What I am saying is that what we are, is may be because of whatever has happened in our life.

People who don’t know me think I am a strong person, who knows what she does and won’t break down easily. Speaks to the point and what is required. People who do know me, know that I am an extremely emotional person and the slightest of words or things hurt me and make me cry. If you’ve seen me cry, then maybe you are one of the persons close to me. I am very hot headed and when upset or angry can’t think clearly. So I either start crying or arguing (Well, the end result of arguing also ends up with me crying).

I worry a lot. About the most frivolous things too. I think about all the possible negative scenarios. 😦 I came to be this way because back in my childhood days, I observed that when I was positive and hopeful about something, it never happened. This slowly made me think negatively and then when I got what I wanted I would be so happy. This made me think that I would jinx things, if I thought it would go great. I say touchwood for a million things!

But this emotional nature is affecting my work life. The slightest of issues cropping up in the things that I worked hard on makes me worry and bother. The manager is a total pain who doesn’t understand, so communication is a big issue. A lot of work seems to go unappreciated. Slightest of rude words or taunts or jokes from friends or colleagues, hurt me and makes me wanna cry.

A close friend fought with me for this nature of mine and told that this is not how I should work. I should not limit myself. I gotta stop thinking that things won’t work, that I will get blamed and everything will get messed up, what will people think etc. I was told by the friend, outright in the face that I should be able to accept criticism and that it doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is right. I gotta to stick to facts and need not worry about others as long as I know that I am right. No matter how many arguments we had, it ends up with me wanting to cry. I am finding it hard to even to imagine trying to change myself now. It seems like an impossible thing. What do you have to say? How easy would it be for you?

Get a feeling of having lost myself, somewhere. Can only think of the following lines, which seem so apt –

Ae waqt ruk ja, tham ja teher ja, wapas zara daud peeche.
Main chhod aayi khud ko jahan pe, woh reh gaya mod peeche….

P.S: ‘whoami’ is a command in Unix which identifies the logged in user. 😉 Yeah I know, I’m a gone case!! 🙂

Juke Box

Hey there!

I know new year’s been here for a while now and I’ve been all lazy about doing a post. That’s because there have been small, different, unrelated updates from my end and I couldn’t figure out what to write. My blog turned two years old, five days back. So, I’m feeling all guilty about being irregular **shame faced**.

What’s new in the new year for you? I have made a whole lot of resolutions and struggling to keep up with them. But it’s nice feeling to be determined to do some thing. No matter how small it is. 🙂

I had written about a birthday swap in a group that I am part of, at Ravelry. We finished two birthdays. I successfully wrapped up gifts for the b’day ladies and sent it across. I’m so happy that they liked it. I embroidered using a stitch kit and crocheted a purse. Though the embroidery took quite a while to finish, I loved it. I loved the picture the moment I saw it and picked it up clearly deciding whom I gotta send it to. 🙂 The purse on the other hand was a very cute project. I don’t feel I did enough justice to the pattern. I could have done it better.

the purse

the embroidery

Yay!! Next’s my turn. After seeing all the lovely gifts that was sent on these birthdays, I am so looking forward to mine. The excitement’s so high already. 🙂 First time that I would be receiving so many gifts for my birthday. After all quarter century is special ;). What say? 🙂

I haven’t even written baby updates for a while. My god! The things my nephew has learnt and can do now cannot be covered in a post. He now lovingly calls me chikki, walks all around the house and keeps us on our toes. Makes a dash for the stairs the moment people relax. 😀 His vocabulary has increased so much in just a little while. I just love the way he says banana, chikki, balalla (rightly said as baralla which means will not/doesn’t come), kolalla (again, it’s kodalla which means won’t give), bow-bow, bau (ball), atha-atha (for instance, he trips over the foot of the table and falls down. Cries and then beats the table as a punishment to it and says atha-atha) and the way he keeps the phone to his ear and says ello. 😀 Just so adorable that I can never get enough of him. 🙂

The new year on the other hand hasn’t brought anything great on the work front. It’s only more work, stress, politics and recently an argument with the manager. But, see.. I am making progress. 😉 I would have thought so much but kept out of such arguments before. By the way, that reminds me, that’s one of my resolutions this year. To do something which I wouldn’t have done last year. In the sense that I always think of things and never do it. This time, I wanna overcome the apprehension or laziness or fear or worry that could be behind the not doing and go ahead and do it. Whatever happens can always be dealt with later. Though I am writing this so easily here, believe me it’s damn tough. I am struggling, failing and retrying. Will be on this mission till the year end and see how much progress I make. 🙂

Went on a trip to Pondy with friends and had great fun roaming and shopping! Though the life has sort of come back to normal there after the storm. The scars that the Thane has left all over the place is  clearly visible in the form of huge uprooted trees in large numbers, affected buildings, fallen sign boards etc. We take so many things for granted. Calamities like these strike and brings people back to reality and shows how blessed we are in so many ways, to be safe and alive.

A series of engagement, wedding and kiddo’s b’day (of course three different friends’s!) lined up to attend, back in b’lore. This only adds more momentum to the nightmarish groom hunt. Hmmph! 😦

I know this was a totally random, long post. But it was long pending. Sometimes, randomness is just as good as clarity. 🙂