Him & Her

I try not to be too feminist in my opinions. I always try and think from the men’s point of view too. When I have friends arguing, with girls telling about how totally selfish men are and guys pointing at how money minded women are, I always try and speak objectively giving both of them examples of how the other one could be wrong too. But when things keep continuously going wrong in the life of close friends, one loses faith and one feels like flushing all the positive opinions down the drain.

Marriage is probably one of the institutions whose sanctity has been maintained over the years. Though there’s a lot of change in the trend, people still have faith in it in our country. The least a girl expects from a partner is to for him to understand and support her. An emotional support. Though the general opinion is the girls choose money over other things, I strongly believe and know that what girls look for is care. Girls are brought up in a more gentle manner and generally showered with a lot of love from their father, which is why they have similar expectations from their guy.

The guys on the other hand I feel are a lot less emotional (sometimes too hurtingly practical). Crying seems dramatic to them. They subdue their emotions. Some smoke, some drink and some get angered. Their ways to vent out the emotions I guess! Isn’t crying a lot less dangerous?? 🙂

I am bogged by all these thoughts because two close friends of mine, both girls, are facing different kinds of issues, even before their marriage. Well, one’s arranged and one’s a love cum arranged marriage (just as a clarification before you think on the love-arranged marriage theory, if you believe in it). The arranged marriage couple got ample time before the wedding to get to know each other. I think that was a great opportunity for them. But the guy acts all weird. He gets all worked up on her expectations, even the tiniest of them. But he wants her to behave in a certain manner that he expects. He’s loud mouthed and doesn’t bother about being in a public place too, when raising his voice. Due to all the contradictions that they have, they kept fighting and the matter came to the parents. Now it stands at a point where the parents say it’s too late and that the cards are printed and the couple trying to put up with each other.

The love marriage couple on the other hand know each other from 5 years. Yet, the guy blames the girl for the wedding getting arranged so early and not at the year end. The financial aspect of his concern is valid, but blaming the girl isn’t. The girl’s 26 and was facing a lot of parental pressure alongwith the family problems. She withstood all that for two years so that the guy gets enough time. Isn’t it his responsibility to take things in his stride and try not to make things more difficult for the girl, if he can’t make it any easier. After all this, he doesn’t want the girl to shift to the city where he is after marriage. He wants her to continue to stay in her current city till the end of this year. This he says gives him more time to earn enough money to take up/set up a rented house. Personally, I believe home is where the heart is, if they have each other I feel they could manage for a while with the basic necessities and gradually set up the house in a better manner.

Both these cases the girls are now unhappy, when all they expected was care, a few loving words and the partner’s companionship. If such are the ways of the world, the already scared me is getting more apprehensive about the guy I would meet. I sincerely wish, that women become more stronger and the men more emotional. Too much to wish for, is it?? 🙂

Fee-Male

During a recent conversation with a very close friend, I asked her how her sister was? The friend I’m talking about has been really close to me since school days. We used to spend hours together in each other’s house and I know everyone in their family. Very nice, down-to-earth people. When she got married I felt that it was a little too early, a couple of years more would have been good. But she was happy and was getting married to her childhood love, so I was delighted for her.

Less than two years later she told me her sister’s getting married. I was surprised and enquired what was the urgency for? She said it was all unplanned, there were quite a few proposals and everyone had spoken highly of this guy and his family. So her parents felt that they should probably not let it go. That’s how everything got fixed. Her sis was still in her final year of college. She was to complete her last semester and then go stay with her husband who was in another city.

Felt sad to hear that her sis is not happy and her parents are worried about her. The In-laws behave weirdly with her. Her Sis-in-law asks the Mother-in-law to overhear what she talks on the phone. The husband never got her a new sim but asked her to use the one at home. It was their first year wedding anniversary last week and the husband didn’t get her anything nor did they go out anywhere. Every girl has wishes and expectations. To be treated in a special manner atleast on special occasions. When asked, he retorted saying “I know when to get you what, you don’t need to tell me“.

She was the darling daughter at home. Every wish of her’s was a command. Her parent’s spent nearly 12-13 lakhs for her wedding. They are from a normal middle-class joint-family, so that is a huge amount for them. Her parents gifted the son-in-law a gold chain during Diwali. All that the girl’s MIL had to tell about this was “A longer chain would have been better“.

For how long are such practices going to continue? Is there no end to it? No matter how educated the person is, the family is, such treatment with the girl and her parents still continue. This is a minor case, there are cases much worse and much hopeless. What about cases where the girl is tortured for dowry? The parents are overburdened by the demands from the guy’s parents.

People don’t have any regret in practicing such systems even today. During another conversation with a friend, he was telling me that in his place if the guy’s an engineer, 10-12 lakhs and if a doctor, 12-15 lakhs is guaranteed in dowry.

Our conversation went on like this –

Me: toh tujhe bhi utna milega? (Will you be also getting that much?)
Him: haan (Yes)
Me: aur tu lega? (And you’ll take it?)
Him: kyun? humne bhi toh apni behen ki shaadi mein utna diya hai. (Why? Haven’t we also given that much during my sister’s wedding?)
Me: Koi aur kuch bhi karega, toh tu bhi karega? (You’ll do something just because someone else is doing it?)
Him: Arre main thodi maang raha hoon, woh khud se denge. (I’m not asking for it, they will give it on their own)
Me: Toh tu mana kar de. (You refuse)
Him: Nahi, woh mere papa decide karenge. (No, that my dad will decide)
Me: Kyun papa ko bol sakta hai ki yeh bike nahi, woh bike chahiye, par bol nahi sakta ki dahej nahi chahiye? (Why? You can tell your dad which bike you want, but not that you don’t want dowry)
Him: Arre, woh aise nahi chalta yaar. Dahej nahi denge toh kya ladki ko ghar pe bithake rakhenge? Wahan phir koi rishte aate hi nahi hai. (Its doesn’t work that way. What do we do, not give dowry and keep the girl at home itself? Later on there will be no proposals coming her way.)

The argument went on and he pushed it away saying that I act like Jhansi ki Rani , and my Gandhi vichaar (ideologies) will not work in today’s world. It makes me immensely angry, that educated, well to do, working people who can make a difference and put stop to such things, also want to sit back and enjoy the profit. People who can’t afford, have to keep their daughter’s at home. They don’t have a choice, it’s shame, humiliation and frustration for them all the way. Such situations is what leads people to go drown their little daughters in the well even today.

I would want to ask all the educated men out there, who took or intend to take dowry, was calculation, profit and loss the only things you learnt in your education system, wasn’t moral science and values a part of it??